did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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