I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
