By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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