I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
