I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize
