dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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