I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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