Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Randomize