Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
