my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
