Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
not ubering you a puppy
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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