Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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