I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize