I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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