my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
