i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
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