I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
