There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
