no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
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