Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
