There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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