this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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