My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
