I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Randomize
