just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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