I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
