Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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