nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
The best revenge is premature balding
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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