Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
