In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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