I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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