I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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