my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I believe in your delicious
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
