I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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