i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Even my vagina gasped.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
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