If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
