Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
