You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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