just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
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