I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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