Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I will die if light touches me.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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