I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Randomize
