I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
