Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
