My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
