We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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