i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
