There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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