Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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