Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
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