How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
You brought string cheese to the strip club
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
