This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize