I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
