you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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