I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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