my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
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