I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
