can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Randomize