I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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