I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
