my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
