we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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