You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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