I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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