Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
