she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
