so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
