wakey wakey hands off snakey
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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